Customer (calling from Ireland): “Yes hello, I would like to -”
Sheep in the background: *gentle baa*
Customer: “Uh, sorry, what I want to do is -”
Sheep: *slightly more insistent baa*
Customer: “No, not now! -cough- Excuse me. I have a reservation and -”
Sheep: *VERY LOUD ACCUSATORY BAA*
Customer:“Arnulf! Please be quiet, I am on the phone! … Sorry, I sincerely apologize on behalf of Arnulf.”
me: “I love and forgive him.”
Customer: “Don’t, he doesn’t deserve it. Anyway, I’m calling about -”
Arnulf: *small, very self-satisfied baa*
I once took my kids to a local farm and we found a lil goat with its horns stuck in a fence, just sitting there kinda mournfully on the grass. We tried to help it get free but it was stuck tight. We petted it for a while and fed it some grass (as it had lawnmowered a circle around itself as far as it could reach), and then went back to the ticket office to tell them it needed help, but before I’d said more than: “There’s a goat-” the guy cut me off with a weary wave and said, “Yeah, we know. Stuck in the fence. That’s Brenda. She can get herself out whenever she wants. She just likes the attention.”
after a long day of work i accidentally greeted someone with my reflex customer service “hey how can i help you” and without missing a beat he accidentally said “hey what can i get ya” (he works at starbucks) and that was the closest i’ve ever felt to someone
tumblr user, drinking a bottle of uncontaminated water in post apocalyptic america: i love this?? this is so pure omg
tumblr user, finding a miraculously untouched packet of frozen pastries in post-apocalyptic america: beautiful cinnamon roll too good for this world, too pure
tumblr user, succumbing to dehydration in the wilderness of post-apocalyptic america: my hands are literally shaking as I type this
tumblr edgelord, to a booby-trap in post-apocalyptic america, an arrow embedded deep in their chest: i’m sorry, are you triggered?
tumblr user, attempting to reestablish a pony express mail service across the shattered remnants of post-apocalyptic america: this post is important
tumblr user, standing behind thousands of other refugees from post-apocalyptic america, straining to hear the instructions of the volunteer who is giving them their floor space assignments: say it louder for the people in the back
tumblr user, handing out vials —filled with a cure for the plague which has devastated the world— to the remaining people of post-apocalyptic america: spread this like wildfire
tumblr user, checking the post-apocalyptic town’s notice board for information important to rebuilding: why doesn’t this have more notes??
tumblr user, about to venture out into a dangerous part of the post-apocalyptic world with a small group of volunteers for whom they care for dearly and are concerned about the mental wellbeing of and the impact the adventure could have on them: if you don’t like this unfollow me right now
tumblr user, watching a boy be dragged into the stocks of a post-apocalyptic settlement for the crime of stealing a crust of bread: FREE HIM
Post post modernism
tumblr user, trekking on foot across the burned out plains of post-apocalyptic america in search of refuge for what seems like forever: Is Canada even real?
tumblr user, being offered bark tea to fend off against scurvy in post-apocalyptic america: This tea is HOT!
tumblr user, alone and searching for the warmth and comfort of other humans and being jumped by a group of post-apocalyptic american vigilantes: I came out to have a good time and i’m honestly feeling so attacked right now
tumblr user, caring for a nursery of small children, the last children born into this broken, dying world, gently feeding them watery broth: take a fuckin’ sip babes
tumblr user, watching a suspicious figure approach the gates of their ramshackle settlement in post-apocalyptic america: who is she
tumblr user, looking helplessly at their shattered pole weapon before perishing in the battle circle of post-apocalyptic america: wtf staff
A king has no sons, no daughters, and no queen. For this reason he must decide who will take the throne after he dies. To do this he decides that he will give all of the children of the kingdom a single seed. Whichever child has the largest, most beautiful plant will earn the throne; this being a metaphor for the kingdom. At the end of the contest all of the children came to the palace with their enormous and beautiful plants in hand. After he looks at all of the children’s pots, he finally decides that the little girl with an empty pot will be the next Queen. Why did he choose this little girl over all of the other children with their beautiful plants.
The seeds were all dead (burned, fake, etc.). The other kids cheated and got different seeds and planted them. The little girl didn’t cheat and was not able to grow anything because the seed was dead. She was the only one who didn’t cheat.
damn
Nothing like original fairy tales!
i get the moral it’s trying to convey but that king is an idiot and the kingdom’s doomed. you don’t appoint an honest kid who will forthrightly admit a failure like that to leadership of a country, you put that kid in charge of like… the army, or something. the department of agriculture.
i’d send out dead seeds, then appoint the kid with the biggest and most beautiful plant anyway. ideally the same kind of plant as the dead seeds were from. and ideally a kid with a really good pokerface. that kid knows:
a) how to perceive failure early (a well developed second plant means they knew how soon the first seeds should sprout and didn’t fuck around when they didn’t)
b) how to fix the situation (a second plant of the same species means they got someone to help them identify the seeds and plant more, or are observant enough to do it themselves)
c) how to get the best people for a job in to do it (kids aren’t great gardeners. a beautiful science project probably means mom did all the work— just what you want from a child ruler and their regent)
all around, that kid (or their mom) is the kind of devious results-oriented bald-faced liar you want to go toe-to-toe with the lords of your country and the rulers of your neighbors. not a little kid who admits defeat so early and in a situation with such high stakes. ‘whoops i didn’t grow a plant’ sounds a lot less sweet when you phrase it like ‘i give up on ruling my country’.
you know, i think i’d also send agents out to encourage the kids to destroy each other’s plants. let’s see who’s good at seige warfare, too.
me, holding my newborn child: what are its stats??
Class: Infant Race: human Strength: 0 can barely support own head Agility 0 needs to learn to walk Intelligence: 2, understands that crying brings food, replacement of soiled garments with fresh ones Wisdom 1 no object permanence Charisma: 20 becuase people lose their shit around babies, -1 for each month until Terrible Twos and all Charisma drops to 1.
HP: 2
Spells per day: Cloudkill, Telepathic Summons, Sleep (casts on Self),
Infant fingernails: does +1 cutting/slashing damage
This is the post that killed him.
lanablack 